Before we create new beginnings, it’s healthy to first bring closure to what has ended. As I reflect on the variety of things that have ended during the pandemic, the most significant to me was the passing of my godmother Margaret Torrance. When my godfather Bob Torrance passed away, we had a beautiful meaningful memorial service with family and friends. It was a wonderful celebration of his life and we continue to remember him as an amazing leader, connector and mentor. He had a remarkable career with the YMCA and was known as a builder of bridges, creating linkages with whomever he met. When a new door opens up and more support starts showing up in my life, it always feels like he’s still working to connect me with people and new opportunities. When my godmother passed away during the pandemic, there was no gathering that we were aware of. Last year in December we sent her a card and tried to phone, but never heard back. Through a google search, we found out she had passed away. When there is no memorial service, it can be natural to feel a lack of closure. To make peace with the end of her life, throughout the past year I’ve needed to take time to reflect on the ways she inspired me, the innovative ideas we came up with during our visits and long phone conversations, and the guidance and wisdom she shared with me.

My godmother was a great inspiration – active, healthy and bright even at 96. While her activities modified a bit later in life, she was still committed to her regular tai chi practice and stayed active with her community. She kept up with the news, read a lot of books, and could talk for hours and hours about so many different interesting things. From health and wellness to politics and spirituality, Margaret seemed to know a lot about everything. She taught me a variety of ways to stay healthy and positive!

One thing Margaret taught me was the importance of our “change muscle”. During times of transition, it’s helpful to remember all those times in our life when we needed to develop strength within to get through change. Each time we activate our change muscle, it gets stronger and more resilient! We become more comfortable with temporary periods of uncertainty and learn to successfully navigate change, trusting that something positive will come of it.

During this pandemic, it’s been helpful to reflect on the different stages of my life when I needed to focus on building this change muscle. For me, 4^th grade was the year I began to develop this change muscle. I had moved to a new neighbourhood and began going to a new school. My parents had recently separated and I was determined to continue to go to my gymnastics training each week. I was living with my mom, and every other weekend visited my dad. My mom was a social worker and she wasn’t home until later in the evening. Each day after school I would walk home, unlock the door myself, get a snack, walk down the block to get on the street car, and off I went to the athletic centre where I was training in the competitive gymnastics program. The space in which I trained became like a second home. Throughout that year, I activated my change muscle, developed a sense of independence getting myself to the athletic centre on my own, and as a result felt more resilient during that year of transition.

In 5^th grade I also strengthened my change muscle. Both my parents had happily remarried and I moved with my mom and step dad to the United States. I continued to come back to Toronto for regular visits with my dad and step-mom, and also continued to go to summer camp for a month in Ontario. Going to school in Connecticut was a different experience than downtown Toronto. The first year in Connecticut was a big adjustment for me. My godmother who still lived in Ontario at the time asked me if I had checked out the local Y where I was living in Connecticut. I did go take a look at the Y and felt it was a great fit to become my next second home. Each day after school I went there and continued my gymnastics training. I also participated in some of their other programs and met a diversity of friends. When I first arrived in Connecticut, I didn’t feel so confident. But as soon as I began my gymnastics training, I accessed my change muscle once again and felt resilient, strong, and capable of adjusting to my new life in the United States. My godmother kept reminding me, “You’re stronger than you think”. While I didn’t feel so resilient at the beginning of 5th grade, by the end of the year I felt like I could get through anything.

In 12^th grade, I called upon my change muscle again. I moved to Ft. Lauderdale, Florida. While I loved going to the ocean and being in the sun, at times I felt like I was living in the library; I worked very hard to do well in my courses and was determined to get high honours. Moving right before my last year in high school required me to flex my change muscle in new ways. That year had the added pressure of making decisions regarding which universities and colleges I would apply to. My godmother again played a role in providing her wise advice. She reminded me to stay active in between my studies and take time to reflect on what I’m most passionate about. Margaret knew how much I loved to move my body. I did engage a variety of physical activities that year including varsity diving at my school, swimming in the ocean, and dance classes at a studio in Ft. Lauderdale. Our change muscle is the part of us that says, “You’re going to get through this; you’re going to be OK”. We activate this part of ourself every time we move through change.

Returning to Toronto the following year also required me to activate my change muscle. While I was born here, moving from Ft. Lauderdale to Toronto was still an adjustment. I moved back to Toronto the summer before I started my studies at the University of Toronto. My godmother taught me that our change muscle is always within us, ready to give us strength when we most need it. Prior to going to U of T, I needed to tap into this strength within to feel at home again living in Canada. I adapted to the transition by getting involved with the YMCA summer camps. I coached gymnastics and taught dance. This work opportunity gave me the opportunity to apply my skills, meet new friends, and increase confidence.

Another thing my godmother taught me was to, “Keep the faith”; whenever there’s challenging times in our life, she said we need to always maintain hope that things will get better. She also said if you are ever feeling frustrated, angry, sad, or confused…sit with those feelings long enough and really feel them completely, and underneath it you will always find love! When we return to love, it’s easier to realize that our change muscle is always present. Sometimes we just need to gently kick it into gear. Every change we’ve been through builds on itself and helps prepare for changes later in life.

Margaret also taught me was the importance of consciously clearing our energy each day. She said “Clear from 15 feet above your head down to your heart to get in touch with your heart’s desire. Link the space above your head to your heart, like two lines on the phone”. In my yoga practice, I often practiced grounding exercises to ground below, but I hadn’t really focussed enough on “grounding above” until my godmother shared this tip about imagining the space 15 feet above my head. In my ballet training, I was taught to imagine myself growing taller like a string above me was pulling me upwards, but it’s different to think about the imaginary string above my head providing support 15 feet above my head down to my heart. My godmother also gave me tickets to a modern dance performance and sent me a variety of books. One book she sent me talked about modern dance and shared amazing quotes by Martha Graham. My favourite quotes continue to be, “There is a vitality, a life force, a quickening that is translated through you into action…” and “You have to keep open and aware directly to the urges that motivate you. Keep the channel open.”

With my godmother’s tai chi practice, she also understood the importance of being fully in our physical body, connecting to our feet and our senses, and feeling support from the earth below. However, she did remind me each year, especially during the holidays before New Year’s Eve, “Don’t forget that column of energy that flows down from the top of your head. Allow a clear connection especially with your heart. Clear anything that can get in the way from you seeing, hearing, feeling, sensing, and experiencing what’s important to you! Listen deeply with the intention of hearing what wants to emerge in your life. Instead of reaching and grabbing, let some direction and insight come to you with ease and grace. Feel the energy that extends beyond your physical body, and from that place, create intentions for the new year!”

While we can still engage in traditional new year’s resolutions, I continue to appreciate my godmother’s advice. In the mindfulness practice that I’ve been trained in, after connecting to different parts of our body, we can broaden our attention to the whole body and sense our body as the field of energy that it is, and then again bring our attention back to our physical body. This practice can help us feel more grounded in the present moment, and more ready to move into the next moment. It may feel challenging to plan ahead right now and set goals for the next year, however we can still prepare ourselves for new beginnings by activating our change muscle. Our change muscle remembers every transition we’ve been through and every lesson that we’ve ever learned; it will help us get through the uncertainty of this pandemic and continue to adjust to changes in the future. While part of us may feel anxious or excited during times of transition, another part of us can still remain calm and grounded, even when everything around us is changing. As we begin the new year, we can take a moment to ground both below and above, rooting into the earth and feeling support above our head, keeping the faith that things will get better in our community and our world. Wishing everyone a healthy and happy 2022!